


as long as i got you and me

by panlesters



Series: seasons of love [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009!phan, Fluff, M/M, blink and you'll miss it angst, gentle times, just soft things idk, set over the christmas week but i didnt make it v clear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:01:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22631512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panlesters/pseuds/panlesters
Summary: "You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you do mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget" -Jessica, age 8
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Series: seasons of love [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1628086
Comments: 14
Kudos: 66





	as long as i got you and me

**Author's Note:**

> oof im starting a new little series! i saw a post on tumblr and it gave me a shit tonne of inspiration so hopefully thisll be a nice little thing for me to work on on the side  
> enjoy! 
> 
> title from you and me by james tw

Dan’s never been in love before. He’s never known what it’s like. Sometimes he’s not even sure he really knows what it’s like to be loved. His family _do_ love him, obviously. They just struggle to show it sometimes, and he has to remind himself that it’s true. It’s in the time his mum went on one rollercoaster with him over and over again, even when it terrified her. It’s in the way his grandma cooks for him and Adrian every time his parents are away. It’s even in the way Adrian looks up to him, straightens his hair in the mirror like Dan does, listens to the same music.

He stops and thinks for a minute, about his dad. About how his dad shows his love for him. About _whether_ his dad shows any love for him. He swallows thickly.

“Dan?” the voice is quiet, tired. It’s gravelly and thick with sleep, and that’s when Dan feels it wash over him. _Love._

A hand slides over Dan’s stomach to find purchase on his waist and he feels himself pulled towards the warmth of the body next to him. A kiss is placed on his neck, his jaw, his cheek.

“Mm,” Dan says quietly, rolling on to his side to duck his head under Phil’s chin and wrap his own arms around Phil’s waist.

“You’re thinking pretty loudly over there,” Phil says quietly.

“Mm,” Dan says again. He really hasn’t known Phil that long, really only a few months, and he’s seen even less of him in person. There’s a flood of emotion that fills his body at the idea that Phil already knows how Dan looks when he’s spiralling, when he’s struggling, when he’s really not doing well in his head.

“Wanna talk about it?”

Dan huffs. He doesn’t want to tell Phil about his parents. This week is about _them_ , and a little bit about escaping from his family, to somewhere where he doesn’t have to list actions in his head to be reminded that people want him around.

“Maybe when I get home,” he says quietly. “Just wanna forget about it now.”

From downstairs, there’s a muffled call for coffee and breakfast. Dan doesn’t understand how Kath does it, getting up every morning to cook a hearty breakfast for her three boys. _Four_ boys while Dan is around. And she stays cheery, she never complains. The boys all adore her, and it hasn’t taken long for Dan to feel at home in a way he never did in Wokingham.

He pulls Phil tighter to him. Getting up seems like a lot right now.

“K,” Phil mumbles. He shifts to press a kiss to Dan’s forehead. “Love you.”

Dan leans back and tilts his head to press three soft, quick kisses on Phil’s jaw.

“Love you too.”

It’s a strange one, coming up north and suddenly understanding what love really should feel like. It’s different with Phil than it’s ever been with anyone else. He’s glad of that, though. He feels like he has different parts of him that love his parents, his brother, his grandma. Phil encompasses all of that and more. It should be overwhelming, but it just feels right.

In the end they do have to drag themselves out of bed and head downstairs. Kath greets them both with mugs of coffee, a side hug, and a kiss to the forehead. It makes Dan’s chest hurt, the way Kath immediately welcomed Dan into their house and their everyday lives. If he thinks about it too much he might cry. He’s never felt so safe and comfortable and warm. One day, he’ll properly thank Kath for the way she’s treated him ever since he first set foot in their house a few months ago. It’s turned his life around, meeting Phil and settling into another family. He doesn’t have to lie, or dance around the truth any more. He can be who he is. Years of self-hatred and denial, and now he can finally start to heal.

Phil’s wolfed down his meal while Dan sits thinking about all this, and then he’s standing up and pressing a kiss into Dan’s hair.

“I’m gonna go get a shower,” he says. “Love you.” Phil’s hand threads its way into Dan’s hair and tugs a tiny bit. It makes Dan shiver a little, but he looks up at Phil and smiles. He’s never felt so fond of anyone in all his life.

“Love you too,” he says softly. He doesn’t have it in him to feel a bit ridiculous with how smitten he is. He’s waited to feel this love for his entire life, and he’ll be damned if he doesn’t appreciate it with every fibre of his being.

* * *

When Phil leaves Dan at the train station, he gives him a tight hug, and they hold each other for far too long. Phil told Dan once that he won’t ever let go of a hug first, just in case the person he’s hugging really needs a long, tight hug. Dan thinks that sometimes he abuses that, but he doesn’t care. He’d stand here and hug Phil forever if he could, instead of going back to his old life, back to Reading, back to making lists so he can remind himself that his family cares.

“I love you,” he whispers into Phil’s ear. He can feel Phil’s embrace tighten that tiny bit more. Phil knows what Dan is going home to, and the hug tells Dan Phil wishes he could stay here on this platform forever too, instead of letting Dan go back.

“I love you too.” His mouth his so close to Dan’s ear that his breath tickles, and Dan forces himself away. He really has to get this train, no matter how much he wishes he didn’t have to. He takes a step away from Phil, and tries not to think about how much he wants to kiss him goodbye one more time.

  


Dan’s train has only just left the station when his phone vibrates in his pocket. He’s already got his headphones in, shuffling a playlist and settling down for the journey. He pulls his phone out to see a text from Phil.

**_Phil <3: Love you bby have a safe journey x _ **

**_Dan: love u lmk when u get home <3 _ **

**_Phil <3: I will miss you already :( _ **

**_Dan: miss u more xx_ **

Dan sits back in his chair, looks out the window, and tries to imagine a time when he won’t have to travel so far away from Phil. When they’ll live together, when the only goodbyes they share are to go to the shops. It’s a distant dream, and sometimes Dan is scared that it won’t ever happen. But with every “I love you” from Phil, he feels a deeper certainty that the future really is bright.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! comments are appreciated, come scream at me @panlesters on tumblr


End file.
